14) I Thought Nobody Read My Memos

[starjargon]

River Song goes to prison- who needs tears and pleas when you're a certified psychopath?

After the suit had submerged her again, she was teleported to the 51^st Century where she was tried fairly quickly and sentenced to 12,000 consecutive life sentences.   When asked if she had anything to say for herself, she made a quick comment about the hypocrisy of an organization who’d ordered her to kill a man then put her in prison for doing so, under her breath of course.  When she stood up, instead of offering anything in her defense, she proceeded to read a list of demands for her new cell.

• Her own chamber- she simply refused to share a cell: a girl needs her privacy, after all
• Phone calls whenever they arrived- else she would just have to use the guards to occupy her time
• A bookshelf- she had just earned her Doctorate: just because she’d be confined did not mean she should be ignorant of the universe’s goings on
• A hearty meal for breakfast and lunch and a good dessert at night- she didn’t want to get peckish
• A full- length mirror- after all: look at her
• Flexibility on prison uniform- both for her and her guards
• Fresh flowers daily- just to liven up the place
• Clean sheets and blankets regularly and new pillows- prison was no place to forget hygiene
• Solitary showers daily, with good soaps and lotions- after all, moisturization is key

She continued with her demands for over ten minutes, before she added her last one.

• Finally- this one warning issued to any person planning to guard her block and keep her from doing what she wanted- She is River Song

Before she sat down, she finished with a small side note that they should expect regular memos to ensure prison life was up to her standards.

She was being roughly escorted to Stormcage Containment Facility after sentencing, when the guard at her rear foolishly decided it would be a good idea to toy with her.

“You think you’re tough now- wait until you meet the new warden.  Been here one week and already made three of our toughest prisoners weep.  I doubt the Warden’ll put up with any of your demands nonsense.  You’d better learn respect and learn it quick, or you’re liable to regret it.”

“Oh, not a good idea to try to threaten me, dear- my mother was Scottish.”

At this, the soldier to her right gave a small snort, then tried very hard to stare unfazed straight ahead as he tugged roughly on her arm.

“Ooh,” thought River.  “This is going to be entertaining for awhile, at least.  At any rate I’m sure my husband (the unfamiliar word sent a thrill through her) will be dropping in now and again to keep things fresh.  He knows how bored I’m liable to get here.”

They guided her into the offices for processing, and she noted the change in each of their stances as they led her to the warden’s office.  Apparently, the prisoners weren’t the only ones who feared him.  But the Doctor lived.  There was nothing left in the universe that River couldn’t handle.

Each of the guards were deadly silent as they entered the room- the warden’s chair turned away from them toward a fire on the other side of the room.

“We- ugh… we brought the new prisoner, Warden.  Melody Pond… the woman who killed the Doctor.”

“River Song” insisted River.

“Killed the Doctor?  Doctor Who?”  said the ominous figure still staring at the fireplace.

Before any of the guards had a chance to answer, they were ordered out of the room.

“I- I have to stay here, with the prisoner.  Orders, you see.”

“Very well.  But just you.”  Said the warden to the guard on her right.  River was trying very hard to look intimidated by this new turn of events.  Ok, at least haughty.  To be honest, she was just trying very hard not to laugh.

When the guards cleared the room, leaving her nearly alone in the presence of the “ominous new warden,” she could hold back no longer.

“You know, this isn’t like a first day of school.  You don’t have to come and check out the teachers and make sure the other kids play nice, Mum.”

Amy smiled as she approached her.

“Well, this is as close as I’ll ever get with you, isn’t it?”

They both started giggling at that, when her guard turned to them-

“No, no.  We are not having a welcome to prison party for our daughter.  This isn’t supposed to be funny.”

“Then what is it supposed to be, StupidFace?”

“Typically, parents aren’t supposed to be supportive of their children being criminals.”

“Ooh, but Dad, since when are we typical?”

“You’ve got a point there.”  Rory finally conceded.

“So, how’d the hearing go?  I heard you left the Justice Hall speechless.”

“I just made a few minor… suggestions about how I’d like to spend my time in prison.  It could be centuries before I’m a free woman again.”

“Well we- centuries?”

River smirked.  “Human Plus.”

“Right.  So what outrageous things am I going to have to deny, oh Prisoner Song?”

“I was completely fair in all of my demands.”

“You asked them to build you a sauna and bi- weekly massages!”  cried Rory, who had stood, in character, next to her throughout her entire trial.

“River!”

“Well, I can’t have my pores clogging!  And you know how I carry stress in my left shoulder.”

“Melody, you do realize this is a prison, not a day spa?”

“Well, you can’t blame a girl for trying can you?”

“No- though if it were me I’d have insisted the massages be weekly.”

“Well, I didn’t want to seem unreasonable.”

Amy laughed with her daughter, then looked her seriously in the eyes.

“You really don’t have to do this, you know.  We’re far enough along to know the truth.  I’m sure we could figure something else out.”

She looked at both of her parents, who stared at her with such love and understanding and knew without a doubt that even now if she shouted out they’d both run to the end of the universe to help her escape.  How long could they run from the people who’d hunted and found her her entire life?  Besides, there were worse places to be- at least if she stayed now, it would be her choice.

“No, Mother.  I do.  This is the only way to keep the Doctor safe.  As far as prisons go, I’ve seen a lot worse.  Besides, this is what I’ve already done, isn’t it?  And I’m sure it won’t be that bad.  As you know, I’ve always found ways to keep myself entertained.”

“Speaking of,” declared her father, “We stopped by the university and packed up your room.  We tried to pick the stuff you would need most.”  He handed her a bag, which she went through carefully.

“Blaster- good.  Handcuffs- very good.  Ooh, my lipstick! Been looking for that for awhile.  I bet that’ll come in handy here.  Good books.  My favorite boots.  My TARDIS notebook!  Thank you for that.  Make up…”  She looked up and smiled at her mother.

“You’re welcome.”  Said Amy, smugly.

“And we put everything else in your wardrobe in the TARDIS just in case.”

“I have a wardrobe?”

Rory made a face- “Oops.  Spoilers.”

River laughed at that.  “Well, not much of one to be perfectly honest.  The old girl had a room for me from the first time the Doctor came to visit while I was in school.  A wardrobe just means permanence.”

“Speaking of wardrobes, you’ve got to see what the Doctor did to yours in your cell!” squeaked Amy.  Bigger on the inside she mouthed.

“He let your mother loose on a shopping mall.”

“Well, this should be fun indeed then!  Come along, Father dear.  This time, don’t pull so hard.  I promise to be on my best behavior.”

“That’s not as reassuring as you think it is, Mels.”  River just smirked at her father as he put his hand on her arm, by her side as she began this new phase of her life.

“Not anymore, Dad.  Melody Pond murdered the Doctor.  River Song married him.  I don’t want to be Melody anymore to anyone other than you two.”  She said to Amy, who grabbed her other arm.

“Then River Song you shall be.  Warden’s orders.  And I’ll make sure you have access to everything within reason before we leave.”

“Doctor River Song.”  Amended Rory- he really did never let that go.

“Speaking of Warden- Mummy, what did you do to make those three prisoners cry?”

“Prisoners?  It was three guards.”

Notes:

A/N- Please review. I’m always most nervous when I try to write humor. But River did seem to have quite a few things in her cell the first night she sees the Doctor again. And Amy and Rory would want to be there for her after she got arrested. Disclaimer: If you recognized it, it did not belong to me.

Comments

[amai-kaminari.livejournal.com]

I loved this! Your story felt like it could have been a scene taken straight from the show. I especially enjoyed all the nods to canon. <3

(No need to be nervous about your writing. It's fantastic and you have a terrific sense of humor. I can picture your River so well!)

[starjargon.livejournal.com]

Thank you! If you've seen the First Night/ Last Night videos, River has her lipstick and diary from the first night there- the diary could've come from somewhere else, but lipstick, just to impress her husband? That's a mother's mindset. I'm glad you felt that way about it, because I do try to purposely make most of these feel as though they were just missing moments from the show's canon, so I'm so happy it worked out!

Thank you so much, you have no idea how much any encouragement helps, especially with my wacky sense of humour and my characters staying "in character."